Last Resort

I’m on a diet.  I hate that word for so many, many reasons.  The first being that ‘diet’ simply means what we eat.  So, I guess I’m just choosing to eat less and watch the calories I take in each day.  Which is really no fun at all.  At. All.

I’ve struggled with staying at a healthy weight most of my life (the parts I can remember anyway.)  From being anorexic-thin in high school, to being way overweight after having my girls.  I lost a lot when Alisha was a toddler by being a part of our church’s step aerobics group. Ah…those were the days.  Free childcare and free aerobics.  Fast forward to me having to get a job and WORK, and having to PAY if I want to be part of an exercise class, and you find my weight hitting what the doctor’s chart deems ‘obese’.  I don’t feel obese, but whatever.  Apparently 5′ 5.5″ and 200 lbs is obese.

Running was working at shedding some pounds and helping to get me healthy, but I screwed up my hip (pretty royally I might add) by doing that, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to run again any time soon…if ever.   I tried riding a bike, at least the stationary bike at the gym, and that is not my thing.  My butt hurt too bad from those uncomfortable seats!  I can’t imagine it would be any different on my bike.  When I use the elliptical, my toes fall asleep.  Weird, I know, but I can’t have my toes falling off, now can I? I’ve been trying to swim every day, which burns quite a few calories (which means I can add them to my daily allowance and eat more.)  Which is quite an encouragement to get in the pool and swim those laps!

So, this really IS my last resort.  I decided to cut calories in my diet mostly because a friend of ours lost 56 pounds in 6 months by doing nothing but changing his eating habits.  He didn’t exercise once!  Then again, he is a HE, and from what I’ve seen, guys sometimes have an easier time of losing.  Just sayin’.  I’ve downloaded the ‘myfitnesspal’ app and thanks to my (at present time) untreated OCD tendencies, I’ve been really good at keeping track of what I’m eating.  Who knows what will happen when I start back on my meds tomorrow.  I can only hope I still try to eat within my allotted 1,600 calories per day. I’ve been making really healthy choices for that 1,6oo calories though.  Lots of fresh fruits and veggies, and lean meats.  Hungy Girl has been my BEST friend!

Unfortunately there have been some negative side effects from all this.  Mainly me turning into a crabby, mean person.  I’m hoping that my body gets used to this soon, and I start to see some results.  I just want to be happy in my own skin, and I’m just not there yet.

What kind of ‘diet’ are you on?  Do you watch what you eat?

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Summer of Travel

Last summer was the ‘summer of surgery’ (and then recovery), this summer is the ‘summer of travel’. I’ve tried to make the most of my time off.  I am beyond tired right now. I want to regale you with stories of Ichthus Festival and the farm in Missouri, but frankly I don’t have it in me.  Tomorrow maybe.  I’ve used the term stupid tired before, and I am there yet again.  So tired I can’t think, move, or function well at all.

I’m fairly certain a number of things are causing me to feel this way.  The trip to Missouri and getting home at 9pm, then the unloading of the van, starting of the laundry, and helping Phil drop carry the old stove down the stairs and to the curb for the garbage man is just the beginning.  I drove over an hour up to Michigan to pick up our new stove today.  I had to stop at the Lighthouse mall in Michigan City on my way home (for necessary items only-like replenishing my make up and a birthday gift), and then stopped to pick up pizzas for dinner (because I am NOT helping him carry the new stove in tonight.)  Seriously, I’m begging people on facebook to come and help Phil, cause I just don’t have it in me.  No strength.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure I know why I feel like that. I ran out of my anti-depressant meds a few days ago, and since I’m in the midst of switching to a new doctor who can’t see me till the 12th, there’s not much to be done for it.  Then, I decided to start cutting major calories and caffeine out of my diet today.  Now, I’m not saying I’m a genius, but apparently I’m really stupid. Who does that to themselves? And on a day when you’re going to be driving a lot!  Combine all those things, and you will see why I am a puddle of mush, barely holding it together.

I’ve been fighting a coffee withdraw headache all day.  Even my large, unsweetened iced tea from McD’s couldn’t touch it.  4 advil and half a pizza later, I feel like a failure.  Did I mention I got a speeding ticket, my first ever, on the way home from Missouri?

My life does not suck…just the way I feel in this moment.