Pushing Through The Feels

I got the reminder email last night.  The “don’t forget you signed up for this meeting and R.S.V.P.’d that you’d be there” email.  I really didn’t feel like getting up on a Saturday morning.  It was an informational meeting.  Not like I was actually agreeing to any sort of commitment by showing up.  I could skip it.  I literally prayed this before I fell asleep, “I’m not setting an alarm.  God, if you want me there you’ll have to wake me up.”   How’s that for a fleece?  (If you don’t get that obscure old testament reference, it’s all good.  It’s in a story about a guy named Gideon in Judges 6:36-40.)

I woke up around five minutes before I would have set an alarm for.  Well then.  I threw down another fleece.  “If I don’t fall right back to sleep, I guess You want me to go after all.”  I didn’t fall back to sleep.  I had to pee.  Bad in fact.  You see, I’ve slacked off in my water consumption and the past few days I’ve upped my ounces to around one-fifty a day.  That takes its toll on ones bladder.

Needless to say, I got up.  At that point I just felt like crap.  Honestly, my head hurt (stupid allergies and stupid sinuses!!) and I just wanted to stay in my frumpy pjs and watch Netflix on my couch for the whole day.  Then I decided to do what, as of late, I haven’t been forcing myself to do.  I pushed through “The Feels.”  If you’re not hip to the urban dictionary (clearly I’m not either with that statement, I just remember seeing a meme that was funny) it means strong feelings or emotions.  Whatever.  The point was I’ve let my feelings dictate too much of what happens in my life lately.  I showered, ate, and left.

Breakfast was served a half hour before the actual start time of the meeting and since I’m so high-maintenance when it comes to food, I ate at home and arrived promptly at 9am.  I sat down at a table where they were just finishing up an ice breaker game, filling in the name of the cereal mascot by the cereal name.  Breakfast meeting.  Cereal.  It was cute.  The ladies at the table had four blanks left that they were stuck on.  I told them three of the answers (only two turned out to be right.)  And who has even heard of Big Mixx?!?  Anyway, our table had the most points in the end.  Yeah…let’s start the meeting and get this over with.  The speaker came back to our table and handed something to one lady and said, “Everyone at this table, take one.”  They were gift cards.  To STARBUCKS.  The joy!! I felt like I didn’t deserve one but the kind ladies said I helped so I should take one.  I didn’t even really look at it.  I just shoved it in my purse and grabbed a pen, ready to take some notes.  I was starting to feel a little better about this meeting.

Turns out it was a great meeting!  Very informative in a fun, engaging way.  Refreshing.  In the end I did commit to something I’ve been on the fence about.  It’s a good thing.  It will be a good thing.  For me and hopefully for others.  On the way home I decided to stop at Starbucks for an Americano to celebrate leaving the house when no one was making me.    People, there was ten dollars on that gift card!  I was thinking there would be five at the most.  This is a big deal because I’ve been refraining from getting coffee out because of the whole “being unemployed” thing.  I’ve gotten pretty good at making a decent pour-over, but nothing beats good coffee made by someone else.

I’m not saying that every time you push through negative emotions, you’ll get free coffee on the other side, but today was a reminder that I am not alone.  God knows my hurts, my bad-habits, my hang-ups and the issues in life.  And He love me anyway.  Sometimes He gives us these reminders so that we don’t throw in the towel or in my case throw a baby-pouting-tantrum and hide in my house.  On the way home this song came on and while you might find me rolling with the windows down singing my heart out, the lyrics made me laugh out loud this time with their timeliness:

Love Feels Like
I am tired, I am drained
But the fight in me remains
I am weary, I am worn
Like I’ve never been before
This is harder than I thought
Harder than I thought it’d be
Harder than I thought
Takin’ every part of me
Harder than I thought
So much harder than I thought it’d be
But empty’s never felt so full
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what love
Feels like
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what love
Feels like
Poured out, used up, still givin’,
Stretching me out to the end of my limits
This is what love (this is what love)
This is what real love
Feels like
This is what love feels like poured out,
Used up still willin’ to fight for it
This is what love feels like
Yeah, this is what it feels like

 

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