And so it begins…

new years eveHappy New Year!  When it comes to new beginnings, who doesn’t reflect and think about what they’d like to do differently?  I’m not one who makes resolutions in the sense of writing them down and really working toward the goals.  I think that’s one thing I need to work on this year.  Recently I’ve realized I’m so afraid of failing I keep myself from some good things.

In years past we’ve celebrated New Years Eve with some good family friends and spent some time writing down things we want to let go of from the past year and then throwing those papers in the wood stove.  We also journaled the things we want to see come about in the next year.  It’s been a few years since we’ve been able to be with those friends on New Years Eve and this year I especially missed that tradition.  We had fun with some other friends last night, playing games and watching the ball drop and the tribute to Dick Clark.  It was fun, but I really missed the meaningful moments of reflection.  So, I’m doing that myself this morning.  Mentally at least.  We don’t have a wood stove or a fire-place, and it’s too darn cold to use the fire pit today.  Besides, it’s 3:00 and I’m still in my pajamas!  So, join me as I take a mental walk through 2012 and remember the best things that happened and the things that need to go up in smoke. Keep in mind my memory being what it is, this may be a short walk.

  • I finally got the help I needed to work through some stuff with the help of a Christian counselor.  I’d say one of the best things I did in 2012!
  • After years of being a follower of Jesus Christ and doing my best to live a life that brings Him glory, for the first time I’ve gotten into the routine of a daily time of prayer and Bible study. By far, this is the one thing that made the most difference in my life this past year!  I believe that, in combination with the therapist, is why I can say I’m in a better place than I’ve ever been.  It feels really good to be going into a new year with that mindset.
  • Watching my girls grow up and finding joy in it.  It’s not like when they were little and I’d marvel at their new words, and their funny sayings.  It’s not like when they were so cute and everything was a “first”.  They’re teenagers now, and honestly, there is very little that is “cute” about these years.  It tough.  It’s trial and error.  It’s not at all in my skill set.  But this past year, I’ve found great joy in seeing them become the people God is crafting them to be.  Sometimes it’s a huge thing that is clearly seen, and other times it’s a small, seemingly unimportant detail that actually has huge implications.  We don’t get this parent/teenager thing right all the time, and at times it’s messy and ugly, but I’ve seen forward motion and that’s what I choose to focus on.  I’ve got really, really good kids!  They are amazing and I am so thankful that God has gifted me to be their mom and graced me to do the job.
  • Something I need to let go of and burn up is the guilt of falling off the healthy wagon…again and again.  I had to go gluten-free this year, not out of choice but out of necessity.  I’m thankful I figured out what needed to be done to stop the constant pain, but it meant not being real clear on how to eat.  I also have had a lot of hip and ankle issues and quit running and exercising in general.  Because of a combination of all of that, I now weigh more than I ever have and am back up to the biggest size I’ve ever been.  I want that to change in this next year, and even have a few ideas about how to make that happen, but I’m afraid to start and then fail.  I know, I’m failing already if I don’t even start.  Like I said…I need to burn up the fear and guilt and just move forward.  My plan is to read the book “Failing Forward” and start walking 15 minutes a day.  Not trying to get my heart rate up or get crazy sweaty, or take away time from other stuff (time I really don’t have), but just to walk.  I can do that.  I’m hoping that by being consistent in that I’ll be able to see at least a little change, and that will compel me to make other changes.  I’d also like to start seeing a nutritionist, but that costs money.  I have learned though, with the therapy, that for me sometimes I need an unbiased person to hold me accountable.
  • This next issue is quite the quagmire.  Relationships.  Ugh…just typing that word brings up so many feelings and thoughts.  There are many things I need to let go of, and many things I need to hold tighter to and commit to making them work.  I’m counting on God to lead me in this area, because He is the only one who can.  I feel as though I’ve let so many people down this past year.  I’ve been a terrible friend and been extremely selfish with my time and energy.  As a result, the friendships I do try to keep up have suffered.  The ones that really didn’t matter went by the wayside, and I’m ok with that.  But as I sit here at the end of one year and the beginning of a new one, I know I really need to decide who my “crew” is going to be.  I need a group of people who I can count on.  Who love me for who I am and despite who I am.  People I can call in the middle of a real or perceived crisis and they will drop everything and be there.  I also know it’s going to take me being all those things for them.  I used to have this with a group of friends, but it’s been years.  Those people are now gone from my life, but I miss that camaraderie, that accountability, that friendship, more than anything.  I also believe that for relationships like that to form, it has to be a God thing.  It’s not something we can manufacture or work up ourselves.  I think we just need to be open and transparent and willing to put what it takes into it.  That’s what I plan on doing this year.

Looking ahead…

  • I want focus on the positive more than the negative, and surround myself with people who try to do the same
  • I want to do more thanking and less complaining
  • I want to be healthy
  • I want to build deep, meaningful relationships
  • I want to find and keep balance in all things

I encourage you to take some time and reflect.  Ask God to show you the good, the bad, and the ugly, then give it over to Him to work it all out.  I promise you’ll be better off for it. Oh, and let me know how it goes!

Here’s to a great year for all of us! (my coffee cup is raised…clink;)

 

 

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