Sunday Sharing: I Just Don’t Know

This weekend I’ve spent more time than I usually do pondering some things about myself, and honestly I don’t like what I see.  It all started when I took yesterday off.  As in staying in pajamas all day (showering then putting new pjs on :)), reading, looking around Pinterest, and doing nothing too taxing.   I did read my small group homework!  I have small group Monday night, and I’m the worst for waiting until Monday afternoon to read the 2 chapters I had 2 weeks to read.  Then answering  the questions for those chapters.  The idea is to do a little each day during your daily devotion time.  Which, shoot me now if you must, I really don’t have.  The chapters were on Responsibility and Sensitivity.  The things I saw about myself when reading these chapters were not pretty.

I hate being responsible. Hate is a strong word, but it’s true.   I’m not sure why this is, or when the things I am blessed to be responsible for started feeling more like a curse.  Is it the every-day-ness of stuff?  The fact that there’s always more laundry, the dust doesn’t ever stop?  The people always expect there to be meals! That kind of stuff.  I realized that all these things feel like chores to me.  If I’m being really honest, for most of my adult life they’ve felt that way.  I can recall very few times of just being joyful in the day-to-day grind of life.  And that’s not how I want to live.

Part of being responsible is being disciplined.  With my time, my schedule, my money, my thoughts…pretty much everything!  Lately I’ve been frustrated with myself because I know I should be eating healthier, watching my calories, and running more consistently.  Just the thought of keeping track of my daily calorie counts makes me feel like someone is putting a straight jacket on me!  Why do I buck against self-discipline so hard?!?  Why am I like this?

Sometimes I think it’s because the outside pressures and demands on my life don’t allow a lot of wiggle room (work, kids’ schedules, etc.) that trying to also schedule my “down” time sounds like I’m still working.  I don’t know that I’m making a lot of sense, and I’m sure not being very encouraging, but this is where I’m at today.  Right now.  I want to enjoy life, not feel like I’m dragging through it (with chains labeled “dinner” and “laundry” around my neck.)   Maybe it’s just this season of life.  Or maybe I need to get my head on straight.  I just don’t know.

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2 thoughts on “Sunday Sharing: I Just Don’t Know

  1. Maybe it’s just PMS?? Just kidding, I know what you mean. Sometimes I look at myself and say, “what is wrong with me?” . Life is hard, life has seasons, life has it’s ups and downs…..how do we see the laundry, house chores, “responsibilities” as more than just a chain around our necks? How do we enjoy living and see it as a privilage to serve others? I ponder that myself all the time. I know there are mountain top experiences, I’ve had them. I’ve had great times and fun in life too, but since becoming a wife and mom things got all jumbled up. When you figure it out, let me know, okay?
    I love you! Sarah

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