This weekend I’ve spent more time than I usually do pondering some things about myself, and honestly I don’t like what I see. It all started when I took yesterday off. As in staying in pajamas all day (showering then putting new pjs on :)), reading, looking around Pinterest, and doing nothing too taxing. I did read my small group homework! I have small group Monday night, and I’m the worst for waiting until Monday afternoon to read the 2 chapters I had 2 weeks to read. Then answering the questions for those chapters. The idea is to do a little each day during your daily devotion time. Which, shoot me now if you must, I really don’t have. The chapters were on Responsibility and Sensitivity. The things I saw about myself when reading these chapters were not pretty.
I hate being responsible. Hate is a strong word, but it’s true. I’m not sure why this is, or when the things I am blessed to be responsible for started feeling more like a curse. Is it the every-day-ness of stuff? The fact that there’s always more laundry, the dust doesn’t ever stop? The people always expect there to be meals! That kind of stuff. I realized that all these things feel like chores to me. If I’m being really honest, for most of my adult life they’ve felt that way. I can recall very few times of just being joyful in the day-to-day grind of life. And that’s not how I want to live.
Part of being responsible is being disciplined. With my time, my schedule, my money, my thoughts…pretty much everything! Lately I’ve been frustrated with myself because I know I should be eating healthier, watching my calories, and running more consistently. Just the thought of keeping track of my daily calorie counts makes me feel like someone is putting a straight jacket on me! Why do I buck against self-discipline so hard?!? Why am I like this?
Sometimes I think it’s because the outside pressures and demands on my life don’t allow a lot of wiggle room (work, kids’ schedules, etc.) that trying to also schedule my “down” time sounds like I’m still working. I don’t know that I’m making a lot of sense, and I’m sure not being very encouraging, but this is where I’m at today. Right now. I want to enjoy life, not feel like I’m dragging through it (with chains labeled “dinner” and “laundry” around my neck.) Maybe it’s just this season of life. Or maybe I need to get my head on straight. I just don’t know.